Playin' in a Travelin' Band

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Muttontop Porch Band!Ah, the good old days: there was a-pickin and a-grinnin, the people were dancin, and the grass was blue. Unfortunately for the Muttontop Porch Band (only about three people probably have any idea what I am talking about) time and distance have forced the band into solo careers.

Andy has moved on and become a live at home dad in Richmond, Virginia, where he is working on his memoirs. Tentative title: "Whiskey, Forts, and Hokies: What Virginia Means to Me."

Leighton was last seen with Banjo in hand running off into the great outdoors. Reports of an Appalachian Trail thru-hiker by the name of "The Rising Sun" eerily resemble Leighton, but a link has yet to be proven.

Finally, the mainstay of the band, Hayes "I'm too cool to cut my hair" Holderness is sitting in front of a computer screen in Seattle, WA typing on his blog. Too cool to cut his hair indeed. How did he end up here, especially after being the literal center of such a successful bluegrass band? Tonight's "True Stories of Irrelevant Jokes" takes a look.

It wasn't easy to get Hayes to agree to do the interview. "Irrelevant Joke?" he questioned. "Yeah right, like I could ever become an irrelevant joke. I played three different instruments in that band, does that sound irrelevant to you?" However, after we offered him a Cheerwine and Yum-Yum hot dogs and ice cream, he agreed.

Last known record (i.e. previous blog posting) of Hayes' goings-on left us in Casper, WY. What many of us did not know was that Hayes was planning his biggest concert since Chapel Hill '03, which, out of respect for the entire population of North Carolina, we will not recount here. However, it is important to remind the audience that this is where Hayes met his future band partner W.M. Jeffries, seen below.

With plans of rock-star fame and bluegrass fortune, Hayes and W.M. Jeffries drove to Jackson Hole, WY, where the magic was set to happen. After setting up shop on the street corner, the sweet rhythms of the banjo and harmonica could be heard as far away as the caddy corner. All the girls on the street immediately flocked to the hypnotic duo, and both of them threw money in the hat. Even the police stopped by for the show, however their intent was not to party. Sent packing by the police to the bar they recommended, Hayes and W.M. drowned their failure in the company of friends John and Rebecca.
Figuring that all had been lost in the failure of his comeback concert, Hayes convinced W.M. that they needed to "find their roots" by spending a few days in the wilderness, and return to the hip scenes of Seattle and Vancouver, where they would "surely be wicked successful." However, Hayes and Jeff were to face many challenges in the wilds of Oregon and Washington. Idaho is not mentioned because neither Hayes nor Jeff were able to remember anything about the state.

First the driving. They had to drive all the way through the Columbia River Gorge. That was about all the challenge Oregon posed. Well unless you include sleeping at Motel 6 and eating at Denny's a challenge. Hayes considered it a growth point. "From here on out we will leave behind our redneck bluegrass roots and become a grunge band. That's what they like in Seattle, right Jeff?" W.M. was unavailable for comment.

Washington state brought the challenge of looking at a blown volcano and climbing an active one. "Seeing Mt. St. Helens juxtaposed to Mt. Rainier made me realize that I wanted my music to carry that kind of explosive power. I wanted to rock mountains' tops off with my Banjo licks. Not hurt anyone, just rock their f-ing socks off." To gain that sort of power, Hayes and Jeff scaled Mt. Rainier to learn it's secrets. Then, to show their control over the mountain, they slid down it on trash bags, in a symbolic act of mastery.

Finally assured of their imminent success awaiting in Seattle, Hayes and Jeff packed up and drove to the city, only to find that they had forgotten to book a gig. Rather than get depressed, they toured the city and prepared for a trip to the LA of Canada, Vancouver.

In parting, Hayes asked only that we remind our viewers to click the pictures to see all from the trip and that he has fixed the comment boards so that you don't have to be a blogger to post. In other words, anyone can now post comments and they are encouraged. Until next time, this has been another installment of "True Stories of Irrelevant Jokes." Stay tuned for further updates on the Muttontop Porch band saga.